


Prince of my loins

by Thaum



Series: Of elves and dwarves [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Explicit Language, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-14 23:13:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14146707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thaum/pseuds/Thaum
Summary: While the Elvenking is glad, that Legolas visits regulary lately, he would prefer, if he wouldn't bring that dwarf with him everytime. The gloves are off and the blows low when Gimli decides, it is time for revenge. How will Thranduil take it, when Elrond tries to lure his son and starts a cock fight?A story about innocent phrases and a dirty mind.The rating is a joke as well.English isn't my first language. Be nice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language. Be nice.

"You are in a suspicious good mood today, did I miss something?" Legolas looked at his best friend who happened to be a " _bloody dwarf, if you haven't recognized_ ", as his father put it. His father, who had ignored him two times and insulted him four times since breakfast.. no five if you counted the argument about facial hair.. although Gimli retorted artfully because Thranduil made the mistake to play exactly into the middle of his field - he knew twenty-seven jokes about eyebrows by now. And while the dwarf wasn't unforgiving and had learned to handle the tempers of the Elvenking over the last months, Gimli seemed alarmingly cheerful.

"That may, or that may not be the case." Gimli responded with an almost face-splitting grin.

Legolas chuckled. "Should I be worried, my friend? What have you done? Will my father live through it?"

"Well, do you remember Gandalf accusing him to be overly protective of you? His expression, when he suggested, that he shouldn't behave, as if you and me would be doing the mattress-mambo?"

"What?"

"You know. Ride the pink pony. Up to ya nuts in da guts."

Legolas face was blank.

"Throwing your sausage down castle street..?"

Legolas blinked. 

"Whatever. I have planned something. My dear boy, let me tell you, this is the glorious day, the Elvenking will be cured from his snobby uptightness. Revenge is a very black pudding."

"You are talking in riddles. I do not understand a single thing."

"Just await the council meeting, just wait.." 

Meanwhile, Legolas was sure, that the grin at the dwarfs face would be permanent, even if he would drop dead any second. Little did he know, how much he would wish himself back two hours later to exactly this moment, to test it out.

* * *

 The council meeting was a rather boring affair. Normally Legolas wouldn't attend because there was nothing at the agenda that needed his presence. But curiosity got the better of him and no one questioned the dwarf following him, wherever he went. So both of them sat through it and for the first half an hour absolutely nothing happend. Finally Gimli poke his side and giggled. Feren, his fathers second in command, shifted through a pile of letters at the table and read several reports to the king.

"Here are a few more.. from Esgaroth.. Elrond.. Gondor.. Elrond, Elrond.. my Lord, you have to answer to him somewhen.."

Thranduil nodded, slightly annoyed. "Yes, I know that day will come. But it's not this day. What else?"

Feren threw the rest back at the table. "Nothing.. just this one, but its addressed to the prince." He turned it around. "Probably from Elrond, too."

Thranduil raised a brow. "Is that so? Is he now even trying to go behind my back? Desperate times, desperate measures, hmm? Do you mind?"

Legolas shook his head and Feren opened the envelope and unfolded a light pink piece of paper. He sniffed at it, slightly confused. "It is.. scented, my king."

"Scented?"

"Rosewater, my king."

Thranduil looked questioningly at his son who shrugged. He waved impatiently. "Go on then Feren, tell us what it is, that Elrond-Rosewater-Peredhel wants."

Feren cleared his throat and Gimli rubbed his hands, muttering something, that suspiciously like "It's showtime princess." sounded. 

"My dearest Legolas, Prince of my loins," Feren began and a crashing sound indicated, that the Elvenking had lost grip of his goblet.

"I beg your pardon?" He sounded and looked utterly aghast. Legolas glanced at Gimli as comprehension started to dawn on him. Feren threw him a desperate look and was obviously very uncomfortable.

"That's what it says: My dearest Legolas, Prince of my loins."

"Prince of my loins??"

Feren nodded. Thranduil stared at him in disbelief. "And then?"

Feren took a look at the letter. "I am not sure if this.."

"Read on!"

The elf took a deep breath as he prepared for the worst. "Since you have left, I cannot stop thinking of your skilled hands. Your glowing, youthful devotion, when you gripped my ancient sword.."

It was exactly that moment, when Legolas realized the full extend of his mistake. He glared down at the dwarf at his side who gave him a thumbs-up, apparently completely oblivious to the level of folly he just comitted.

"I promised you, that it would be yours alone, if you returned. I know, your father will never approve of this, you are aware of our differences. But don't blame him, he is a proud man. Yes, he owns a truly impressive equipping himself, as do you, but its power is fading."

"What???" The Elvenking was absolutely bewildered by now.

"The light of the Valar still shines bright in me, let me give you, what he is so tragically impotent to.." Feren trailed off, clearly unwilling to end the sentence and his career. 

Thranduil squinted his eyes. "Are you sure this if from Elrond?"

Feren turned the envelope in his hands. "It looks the same as the others and it is signed.." he swallowed

"Yes?"

".. signed with 'Elrond Peredhel, Lord of.. fiery Passion and endless Pleasure'." He slowly lowered the letter and glanced warily at his king who stood still as a statue. He was sure, someone would regret being born very soon and very much.

"The poor man has more of a problem, than I thought." Thranduils voice was toneless. "Anything else?"

Feren skimmed the rest and shook his head "Just more of the same.. something about 'how to treat a prince in the hour of need' and his 'mighty throng-cleaver'.."

A spluttering noise caused the Elvenking to turn his head and he stared at his son and his infernal companion who could hardly keep himself together. The following silence was deafening and the temperature seemed to drop a few degrees under the kings icy gaze.

 "You. My office. Both. Now."

 Legolas began to reconsider the meaning of the word 'death-glare'. But what really troubled him, was the alarming lack of eloquence in his fathers words. He stood and took a long, hopefully not last look at Gimli. "Congratulations, you've really outdone yourself. Any last wishes?"

Gimli was nearly choking, as he gripped the sleeve of his friend while he was dragged behind. "That was absolutely priceless.. you know, I always found his style completely overblown, " he gasped, "I didn't have to change a lot, just the beginning and the end.."

"You mean, that letter actually _was_ from Elrond?"

Gimli surrendered to a laughing attack and Legolas sighed.

"You know, I wouldn't have thought I get another opportunity to die side by side with a dwarf."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil has a serious problem facing Elrond after Gimlis infernal prank. And if the Elvenking has a problem, everybody else around him is doomed to misery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am doomed as well.
> 
> P.S.: While retagging, I googled the word "fluff" to get a better impression. This nailed it: "Unnecessary bullshit". In general, describing something that is pointless or has no real reason for its existence." You are welcome.

Elrond Peredhel, Lord of Rivendell, had no idea, what the heck was going on. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something was clearly off. The Elvenking had returned his greetings with a look on his face, he'd rarely ever seen before. That moment he had been glad, the elven way of greeting didn't include a handshake, because he wasn't sure if he could have taken that grip that matched his expression. Meanwhile, Feren had stared at the ground, standing slightly hidden behind his king and tried apparently to avoid eye-contact. He still did. With Legolas and Gimli there had seemed everything as usual to start with. But the moment, Legolas had bowed to him respectfully, Gimli had started to cough and snort until the former gripped his beard, excused himself and had dragged the dwarf out of the hall. That had been the last he had seen of those two.

"What brings us the doubtful  _pleasure_ of your presence?" asked Thranduil. The way he pronounced the word pleasure was kind of odd and Feren seemed to flinch a little. He raised a quenstioning eyebrow at the Elvenking, who had his hands behind his back and stood straight and motionless. He knew, Thranduil was practically born annoyed, but the degree of loathing in his eyes had been unknown even to him until now. Elrond had met orcs, that gave a friendlier impression. Something was off.

"Since you do not answer my letters, I had to come in person."

"Ah yes, your _flowery_ letters." Elrond couldn't believe he had just heard the word flowery out of that mouth. He studied the Elvenkings unreadable face.

"Do you even know, what they were about?"

"Regretably, yes. In your very own peculiar ways, you shared your objections regarding my potency", he pressed out through clenched teeth. Elrond had to admit, that it hit the point, but sounded unflatteringly phrased. He was sure, he hadn't written that. But this was probably better not discussed in front of the court.

"Um. Yes. Maybe we should embrace this in a more private setting..?"

Thranduil glared at him. "In your dreams."

Elrond sighed. Thranduil never took it well, when he felt dictated. In his letters he had just wanted to offer his support to him. These were dark times and Thranduil held no ring of power that could help him to fight it. The stress surely had taken its toll.

"See, I do not wish to tell you, how to handle your wood.." Feren closed his eyes and Elrond slowed down and stared at him confused before he went on. "And I surely do neither want to intrude in any parts that are too private.." Feren flinched visibly this time "..nor penetrate your boundaries.."

"Do you wish to elaborate about your powerful shining throng-cleaver now, or are you quite done?" Thranduil asked dryly.

Elrond looked irritated at the king and seemed at a loss of words. "What?"

"The onshining light of the Valar, that supposedly has faded from me, enables you to give it straight to my devoted son? Really?" The Elvenking retorted indignantly, a dangerous gleam in his eyes.

"Ah. So, you are aggravated because I honoured the prince?"

Feren winced when Thranduil inhaled deeply. There was no possibility, this could get any more disastrous.

"That is your problem, not mine. Maybe if you wouldn't neglect his needs, I wouldn't have to take it in my hands."

It could. Feren made a mental note to remove everything breakable of value from the kings office. Elrond pinched his nose. This was ridiculous.

"Oh Thranduil, please. Can you stop this and engage in a more liberal position? I try to put myself into you, but it's really hard. In this hour, we should apply ourselves deeply to join our.. "

The Elvenking lost it.

"I do _not_ take positions to please you, and believe me, there is absolutely _nothing_ I desire to join with you, however deep in whatever hour and I will not get engaged with yourself neither in private, nor public, no matter how hard _it_ is. My wood is none of your concern and you will keep your powerful equipping and your hands all to yourself, or it will be my _fiery and endless pleasure_ , to show you were you can put your ancient sword, _Lord Rosewater_."

Thranduil was fuming at the totally stunned Elrond who had backed away a few steps. He wore an incredulous look.

"Lord Rosewater?"

Elrond turned around every sentence of their conversation in his head and tried to pinpoint, from where exactly it had gone awry but capitulated finally and threw his hands up in the air.

"Would you _PLEASE_ tell me, what's gotten into you? What in Erus name are we talking about???"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas, Feren and Gimli see off Elrond and his flowery words, but this one is truly worried about the kings health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once you've started this, you cannot stop..

"The king lets excuse himself. He is not able to see you off, he does not feel well. He ordered the prince to .." Feren stopped. "I am sorry, my prince. There is no way, I can give the exact words he used. But in conclusion he ordered you to be Lord Elronds escort to Rivendell."

Legolas recognized the hallmark of a payback, when he met it. Elrond on the other hand, was still completely oblivious and now rather concerned.

"Ah. I supposed as much. His behaviour has been kind of strange last recently.. but he has no problems to fulfill his duties, hasn't he?"

Feren shook his head. "Well, have an eye on him, Feren. If he needs it, don't hold back. Step in and take his part in public until he feels better. No one could take offense at it, clearly, it's your job. And you are really good at it, as we all know."

"In public?" Feren was clearly somewhere else. Somewhere very, very far away. Probably pondering a change of career. Elrond looked puzzled.

"Of course. But what about the other members of the court?" Ferens face was blank. "What is wrong with them?"

"Do they know of  it? Well, there might be the one or the other who could be tempted to turn his back at the king. And I am not sure, how he will take it."

Feren looked back at Elrond and blinked. He seemed to have a problem to follow the conversation, but recovered.

"Well.. if it comes to a critical climax, I am able to control it.. I mean them. The members. I .. ", Feren dropped his head and whimpered. Legolas was sure, Gimli would explode any second. His face was beet red and he bit his lip, his face strangely contorted. And while clearly no one else felt comforted by Ferens words, Elrond was reassured.

"I am glad to hear that. You are right, we shouldn't worry too much. Everything will come to completion. And I am sure, the king is fully satisfied with your persistent efforts. I know, all this irritated behaviour of his is just pent-up tension. Although, he cannot go on forever that way, he needs a release eventually. I might help to.. "

"No."

Feren was visibly afraid of the options Elrond was about to offer and had succumbed to much more shorter, preferably one-word-answers.

"Listen. Although the dark Lord has been beaten, there is still a shadow over these lands. Thranduil fought and suffered through a lot of hardship. Have you ever visualized, that this enourmous object might be too much for him? That he cannot take it?"

"Not really, no." Feren choked out, obviously unable to not visualize it right now.

"He possibly isn't supposed to swallow this massive load all on his own."

The pitiful representative of the royal court gave the impression, as if he was about to cry. He looked up at the ceiling and seemed to count in his mind while his lips moved silently. Or maybe he was praying. Legolas would really regret to lose the elf. If he would resign after this whole ordeal, he knew, he would never, ever forgive Gimli.

Elrond sighed. "He won't admit it, but he needs relief. Maybe I should bring my mother in law next time."

Legolas had thought, it couldn't get any worse, but he had been wrong. He stared in horror at Elrond and tried to imagine this imminent worst case scenario. He was sure, the very last thing his father needed, was a mind reading lady accompanying the flowery Lord of Smut in an audience. That would most probably be the set up for a crime scene unknown to middle-earth, yet.

"She is very fond of him. She says, his straight ways are kind of refreshing for one with her abilities."

"That's a nice way to describe his assault bordering no-bullshit attitude. Not so sure about the straight, although, maybe her abilities are wasted.. ouch!"

Legolas stepped forcefully at Gimlis foot who gave a yelp. Elrond frowned at him. 

"Why are you saying this? Legolas, I know, your father would not want her to get involved, but she can be very persuasive, if you know what I mean. He will submit to her, finally. Just ask Celeborn. She dominates her regions with a firm grip." With that he winked at Legolas who tried desperately to get rid of the unwanted images that invaded his head. If he was going to survive the journey to Rivendell, he would never visit the other elven realms again. Or at least, for a really very long time.

Legolas shook his head vehemently. "No, that is really not necessary." 

"Well, no one knows him more intimately, than you. It's your decision. But we should leave now, I want to be back in Rivendell soon. It is a long, hard ride."

"You have no idea", Legolas muttered and Gimli started to grunt again.

"Meanwhile, I could tell you from my last escapade. It's a really amusing story, including two orcs, a hankerchief and Gandalfs staff. Did you know, its tip starts to glow when he swings it?"

Legolas knew by now, someone was going to die. If it wasn't himself, it had to be Elrond or Gimli. But someone was.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil lets Gimli suffer through several courses of revenge. Feren just tries to survive.

"What is this?"

Legolas threw a glance over his shoulder. "That's the invitation for the spring festival."

"I know it's the invitation. What is _this_?" he weaved a little note in his hand and Legolas took it.

"That was in it?"

"In mine, yes."

Legolas read it and shrugged his shoulders. "You are a representative of Erebor. It's not uncommon to negotiate on such occasions. Probably my father wishes to discuss trading agreements. I heard him talk to Feren about something like that last week."

Gimli took it back and stared at the elegant handwriting. 

"And he invites me with a personal note by his own hand?"

"Maybe its a peace offer."

"By nightfall?"

"When else, to coffee and cake?"

Gimli had to admit, that it was a point. But still. The elaborated twirl at the initial T of the signature made him nervous.

"Private rooms? Is that also common?"

"Sometimes. It is quite nice of him."

"That's exactly what troubles me," Gimli grunted into his beard and put the note aside.

 

* * *

 

Gimli sat stiff as a board on his chair his eyes glued to the unbelievable scene in front of him. Thranduil Oropherion, King of the Woodland Realm, ancient elf and bastard extraordinaire was eating a roll. He had known, this was a trap. The facts sounded innocent. But there was absolutely nothing innocent in the way Thranduil abused the unsuspecting pastry. The way he split in in half and buried his nose in it to smell it was obscene. The look at his face, when he pushed a long slender finger into the soft crumb was far beyond that. But it was when he glanced from under his lashes at Gimli, when the dwarf became really troubled.

"Have you seen that??" He turned to Legolas who sat beside him and ate his roll the way it should be eaten.

"Seen what?" He followed Gimlis finger which pointed at the hightable and then back to Gimli with a raised eyebrow.

"Your father.. he.. he.."

"Yes?"

"He's eating.."

Legolas stopped chewing. "Of course he is eating. Are you alright?"

Gimli looked at Thranduil who talked to Feren and gave a completely normal impression at the moment. He looked back to Legolas.

"I swear to you, he.. he took that roll.. and he.."

"Yes?"

"Forget it."

When a plate of raw vegetables was served, Gimli felt unwell. Normally, he had nothing against vegetables, meanwhile he was used to them. What worried him was the outrageously huge carrot on top. He lifted it reluctantly to take a bite and glanced against his better knowledge to the Elvenking and stopped dead in his movement. Thranduil stared at him with half closed eyes, his mouth slightly opened. When he had Gimlis full attention he bit his lower lip and grazed his fingertips from the tip of his ear along his neck and down to his throat. Gimli let the carrot fall and jerked his head to Legolas next to him who picked at some sweet pepper.

"..."

Legolas turned to him, a piece of tomato in his hand, his mouth opened. Gimli could only stare at it. 

"What?"

"Don't tell me, you haven't seen _that_!"

Legolas turned to his father who smiled, raised his glass at him and nodded politely.

"I have really no idea, what you are talking about. You are paranoid."

"He.. he.. _flirts_ with me!"

Legolas choked at the tomato and laughed. "Sure. Yesterday you are telling me, he wants your head, and today he wants your.. " Legolas trailed off, grinning from ear to ear. Gimli glared at him.

"I am glad, you are amused. I am not. And I do not believe he actually wants my... my.. argh.. images." Gimli inhaled deeply. 

"You mean, he tries to fuck you over?" Legolas obviously had the time of his life.

"Yes. No! ARGH."

"Well, then you are buggered. Do you plan to eat that?" Gimli pushed his plate to Legolas and grunted something incomprehensible.

"You are supposed to take my side."

Legolas took the carrot and licked it from base to top before he put it into his mouth to poke it into his cheek. Gimli watched him wordlessly with a grave expression while the elf released the offending vegetable with an audible plop.

"I hate your family."

"I have three days of the 'Adventures of Elrond, Lord of Innuendo and unrivaled Master of Filth' engraved in my unfortnunately  undying mind for all eternity. Don't expect me to pity you. I stick with my kin this time and I hope you are looking forward to your _private_ audience." With this he blew him a kiss and raised his goblet back to his father who smiled infernally in return, leaned back, threw a leg over his armrest and draped the rest of his first class body over the chair like sin itself. Feren put his glass down. He was used to the rather unusual positions in which Thranduil tended to lounge at his throne, but _this_ was a more recent development to him. He stared at the royal knee touching his hand before he let his eyes travel along a long leg down to the tip of the black overknee boot that poked into his thigh and raised an eyebrow. A split moment later, he flinched away and his hand off his own armrest. 

Gimli watched that interaction open mouthed.  "You!" he accusingly shouted at Legolas, " _You_ knew it! You son of a .. well I possibly cannot come up with anything worse than it already is!"

A servant interrupted his fit as he put a little bowl in front of him and Gimli looked down at what was supposedly his death sentence. He winced.

_Strawberries with cream._

He knew, when he was beaten. 

Gimli slumped his shoulders and tried to refrain from looking at the hightable, but it was impossible. It was so terrible, he just couldn't take his eyes off. And he wasn't the only one. Ferens eyes were big as saucers while he witnessed his king dipping the fruit of doom into the white fluff and starting to lick it off in slow motion with the tip of his tounge. Thranduil locked eyes with the dwarf and started to suck at the soft pink flesh. When he closed his lips around it, his gaze met that of his second in command next to him and for a few seconds both froze. To say, Feren looked disturbed would be the understatement of the century. Thranduil dropped the berry and took a dessert fork to proceed eating normally. Feren was paralyzed for at least another minute, then he took the vase in front of him and gulped its content down in one go, not bothering the flower that got stuck in his nose.

Gimli was done.

* * *

 

"I hope you enjoyed the foreplay." Thranduil had approached his table and looked seductiveley down at him, his voice like softest velvet. Gimli chose to ignore it, stood and followed the elf grumbling out of the hall. When they approached the private wing, he finally surrendered and broke the silence.

"Alright, I got it. You can stop this farce."

"Stop it? But why no, we should rather proceed to the act itself. Are you ready to delve deep into interchanging relations between our kin? I have to say I am quite eager to get my hands at these dwarven _treasures_."

The dwarf glared at him. "Okay, I am sorry. You win. Are you satisfied?"

"Hmm.. I do not believe I am fully satisfied. I cannot wait to take as much, as I can deal with." He stepped closer and Gimli backed away until his back hit the door to Thranduils private rooms.

"I know it's harder than rock..", he whispered and let his eyes travel openly over Gimlis body as he leaned over him to open the door behind him.

Gimli gave a surprised gasp when he lost his stability as the Elvenking shoved him into the room and put his lips against his ear:

"And you have all night to make the most out of it."

In that moment, Feren stepped through the door, passed them in a rush - not commenting on Thranduil pressing Gimli against the open door with full of his body - and arranged some papers at the desk at the other side of the room. If he found it strange that his king indecently assaulted a dwarf halfway in a public hallway, he didn't show. Gimli noticed some petals at his nostrils.

"Very well, shall we get it on then? Your majesty?" Feren wore an absentminded smile and Thranduil threw him an irritated look while he released his victim.

When he closed the door behind them, walked to his desk and started to talk about contracts and mithril mines in the west, Gimli swore to himself, he would never trying to fuck with the Elvenking again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> OMG. In hindsight, this was a foolish thing to do. I will never EVER be able again, to NOT  
> interpret smut into Elronds words. Oh my Lord of fiery Passion and endless Pleasure, I have to watch the movies again..


End file.
